Pretenses....

I am so tired, so very very tired of waiting for my girl. I know there are many of you out there that have waited longer than I have and my hat is off to you, but I am slipping. Scott and I have disscussed for months now how we just have to hang on, we are over the hump and on the downslope now, but I don't know if I can hang on much longer.

Everyone that asks how long now doesn't know it and doesn't mean it, but they open the raw wound in my heart and then I am left to stitch it back together again. When people say Wow that is a long time..I feel like saying "I know it, it's a lifetime, it's MY lifetime." I am trying to live a normal life...live my life with nothing held back but that is just a pretense. I wonder "Am I living my real life?" "the one I am supposed to live?"

I smile through the pain, the thoughts of years gone by and years yet to come haunt my dreams. Sometimes I wonder if I should just give up and stop waiting. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a mother...

Next month marks 3 years and I will stop counting the days of my life as they pass me by. It's too difficult, too painful. If she is meant to be, and I am meant to be her mother she will come.