I am so tired, so very very tired of waiting for my girl. I know there are many of you out there that have waited longer than I have and my hat is off to you, but I am slipping. Scott and I have disscussed for months now how we just have to hang on, we are over the hump and on the downslope now, but I don't know if I can hang on much longer.
Everyone that asks how long now doesn't know it and doesn't mean it, but they open the raw wound in my heart and then I am left to stitch it back together again. When people say Wow that is a long time..I feel like saying "I know it, it's a lifetime, it's MY lifetime." I am trying to live a normal life...live my life with nothing held back but that is just a pretense. I wonder "Am I living my real life?" "the one I am supposed to live?"
I smile through the pain, the thoughts of years gone by and years yet to come haunt my dreams. Sometimes I wonder if I should just give up and stop waiting. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a mother...
Next month marks 3 years and I will stop counting the days of my life as they pass me by. It's too difficult, too painful. If she is meant to be, and I am meant to be her mother she will come.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Pretenses....
Posted by Susie at 2:38 PM
Labels: adoption wait times, chinese adoption, uncertainty
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10 comments:
I have kept my heart protected for so long now. There was an older lady in our ward who would wait at my primary class door for me so she could ask about the adoption. I just realized she hasn't tracked my down for a while. I need to enjoy it!
I don't know that anyone can understand the pain involved unless they are doing it right now. It's such a hard thing to explain to people. I feel ya! We need to get together soon.
Susie: you are BORN to be a mother. Do whatever you have to to zone out for now. The time will pass. You WILL get your daughter from China. Hang in here and just go about your business the best you can. The people I know of that waited close to 4 years say that they can't believe they waited that long. But they did and they have their children. Just try to regroup and distract yourself. It. Will. Happen.
I completely, totally get it, Susie. The dread of family parties because you don't want to answer the same questions over and over and over again and watch your cousins' kids grow up and up and older.... You think you'll poke your eyes out if one more person asks if you're sure if you're really going to get the kids and that it's not a scam. I totally get it.
The Lord Never Cheats Anyone. That's all I can tell you!
{{{{HUGS}}}}
We'll just have to keep hanging on. It is what we are supposed to do. If I can do it, you can do it. I will be here to support you if you need it.
My heart goes out to you...really!! I had a total loss of control and sobbed for hours and hours during and after one of our adoption agency meetings where they brought in proud families to show their successes. Also I nearly hit (truly) several well-meaning people including very close family.
May God bless you.
All I can say is that my heart is breaking for you. :(
YES, you are meant to be a mother, if not, God would have never put you on this journey!!! Why the wait?? That is something I cannot answer, however I do know in our own case, we had to wait because our precious daughter had not been born when we started the journey, only God knew who was suppose to be our daughter and she was not ready. We waited 37 months and yes it was a LONG 37 months, but I can say now that those 37 months melted away to never land the minute she was placed in my arms. Keep the faith!! God has put you on this journey for a specific reason and your day will come, when your daughter is ready to come home!!! SMILE!!!! I know how you feel!!!!
I have been thinking about this post for a few days now...and I still don't have anything profound to say that will make you feel better :(
I do know that you already are a mother- your life is filled with mother-ing things all around you, but you already know that. I know that you are just yearning for your little one to hold and hold you back.
I think of you everytime I come over the unity pass! When school starts, lets get together for lunch or something while the kids are at school.
Love
Kim
Our family also has Aug. 2006 as a LID. Thank you for putting into words what I can not. To even talk about it now hurts. I think our extended family and friends don't believe it will ever come to pass. When we began this journey none of us had any idea the wait would be so long. But this is our journey and our final destination will be all the more sweet. -Cathy
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